Yet another WHY OUTLOOK?! plea for assistance...

We're just going f*cking insane because of how f*cking awful Outlook is.

Anywho, we're having an issue with a background image destroying the formatting of some content. Here is a link to our sample email, which was built using MJML: https://pastebin.com/QdMqChMD.

In Gmail, it renders perfectly. In OWA, the background image repeats. In Outlook, the background image also repeats, but the button's background is in the top-left corner of the section while the button's text is positioned (more or less) where it should be...

Otherwise, the email displays as we're wanting in Outlook...

Any ideas? This is insane. And if you couldn't tell, my swear jar is full...